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Homestuck Act V.ii: Part 9 - Harbinger of the Endtimes

It’s the end of the world as we know it~ And I am so fucking dedicated to this that I’m seriously going to write and post today. You’re fucking welcome.

Rose and Mr. Vanilla Milkshake were having a chat about the reset button. He encouraged Rose to ask the Cue Ball.

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Rose asks the Cue Ball. It tells her to answer Jade. She does so, and Jade tells her about her mother’s fate. Rose doesn’t handle it well, and is making extremely reckless plans when Doc Scratch steps in and tells her to consult the Ball again. She asks it whether she should trust the Dark Gods, and then Kanaya’s viewport goes black.

And so does Rose.

I smell a harbinger of the endtimes~

Rose takes off in pursuit of revenge. So this is gonna go well. Call me boring if you want, but I feel like I would be asking the Cue Ball everything. “Should I go take a piss right now?” “Is it okay to eat this?” “Should I keep my thoughts of violent revenge in check?”

But this comic isn’t about me for rather obvious reasons.

It is, however, about Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff. This poorly-animated tangent is hurting my ~~ganderbulbs~~ eyes. Apparently Hussie plans to give himself exactly one yard of interference sometime in the near(?) future. Great. I appreciate that you had Dave create this intermission. It’s not like I needed my eyes for anything.

John has found The Tumor. It’s enormous, but no match for a father’s wallet.

Hella Jeff Shimeji Attorney

Fuck you, logic.

Back on the surface, John and the WV suddenly run into the CD and Liv Tyler the Bunny. The reunion is heartwarming, though Liv has apparently lost all of her sweet weapons.

Whoops. Found one.

Liv procures a note from somewhere. It’s written in green, but not Jade’s green. I am 99% sure that I know who this is from, but I don’t really get how he managed to contact John and Jade. Anyway, Mystery J (wow, lots of J names in this comic. Jegus) has built some apparatuses (that doesn’t look like the right plural but Word assures me that it is) into the bunny, which will grow or shrink the weapons at will.

YOU GOT THE WARHAMMER OF ZILLYHOO.

This is also the same hammer that Gamzee is apparently going to use to end Karkat’s life. So that’s really bittersweet.

The WV eats Liv Tyler’s green eye, thereby preventing an abuse of her hugen powers. Such a shame. But maybe she can shrinken The Tumor?

John puts on his hood like a badass and we’re ready to roll.

He request that Liv, WV and CD take Grandpa’s battleship to Derse’s moon to deliver The Tumor to Rose’s Dream Self. He will stay behind and search for his father. Or what‘s left of him. This plan cannot possibly go wrong.

Unless, you know, John didn’t take his computer out of the wallet first.

Yay! More appropriate reaction pictures~

Rose appears, and as John flies in her direction he fades to black, as well. Vriska leaves him some messages on Rose’s computer, which he is unlikely to ever see.

Rose lands on the blood-soaked deck (I guess that’s what you call it - a deck) and doesn’t even pause to mourn her mother, choosing instead to hunt down Noir. There are corpses everywhere, and we find a secret passage in the library. The surviving soldiers down here have given up on fighting and are content merely to hide and wait.

Through this room I find another hall filled with books, a blocked transportilizer, a slain muscle beast (how the fuck did that get there?) and Jack. He teleports away before I can murder him, though, and I find myself in a corridor filled with curtains, which I must part to continue. The first four are fairly spaced out and red. The fifth is blue, and is immediately followed by another red. I had to go back and count them to be sure, but they are, in fact, the curtains from each act. That wasn’t subtle at all.

At the end is a giant record with a transportilizer at its center, which takes me to another corridor. The five five sets of sopor green curtains here are already thrown wide to admit my passage, but the sixth is still closed. I open it and pass through to find bloody footsteps leading me to-

JOHN!

Rose is, in fact, speaking complete gibberish. I think the first thing that she said might have been “Gl'bgolyb,” but I accidentally clicked through it and there’s no time to rewind now. Every second counts now that the end is nigh.

What? You thought I was going to stop making shitty apocalypse jokes?

Hahahano.

John doesn’t speak Festertongues, but is able to guess that Rose has news about their guardians. He asks Rose to lead him to them, and because she can’t see any other options, she agrees.

There’s even more blood now. Jack is inviting us in. The survivors are all in pieces, and the hangings have been torn from the wall.

All but one, of course.

The atmosphere grows thick with tension as we approach the deck once more. The footprints are still leading us forward to meet our doom. Our hearts pound in unison, but we are unafraid.

JOHN. SHUT YOUR STUPID WINDHOLE FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS SO I CAN BE DRAMATIC AND SHIT.

He’s here. I had hoped that perhaps he wouldn’t be, but this is a pretty small castle and the chances of us missing him were basically zero since he wanted us to find him anyway.

John and Rose take their ready stances, prepared for a drawn-out battle of epic proportions.

Which is suddenly cut short when Noir CHEATS LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE THAT IS NOT FAIR REMATCH REMATCH JOHN CAN’T DIE.

Nononononononono I refuse to accept this. John isn’t dead because… Because he isn’t! This comic doesn’t deal in permanent death! Fuuuuuuuuck!

Rose is in full agreement. They were supposed to get married!

(Okay, okay. Sorry. I had to make that godawful joke. It’s how I deal with stress.)

The universe suddenly explodes, leaving me in total bewilderment.

I had to